The Summer of '98 Read online

  “I know that I have things to figure out,” I said with a quiet voice. “Please just let me figure them out before you say anything to Leroy.”

  He rested his hands on his hips and stood in front of me with a warring expression. He didn’t like it. But he eventually nodded in agreement and sat back down beside me. “Sure. This is your business. I won’t tell him.”

  I exhaled a sigh of relief. “Thanks, Eric.”

  Ellie

  I spent the next couple of days hanging around with Eric and Amber. Mom was at work a lot, and when she was home, I avoided her so I wouldn’t have to talk about topics that I didn’t want to discuss. I knew that I couldn’t put it off forever. Soon I would need to see an OB-GYN and have health checkups and contact the adoption agency. Every time that thought surfaced, I squashed it before I ended up a nauseated wreck. It was procrastination at its finest but right now it felt like the only thing I had control over.

  Eric and Amber were wonderful at pretending that I wasn’t pregnant. A week with the two of them was just what I needed. Fun, distraction, the chance to forget. We caught up with the rest of our friend group from high school. We spent time at the river. We saw movies at the theatre. It was a blessing. But it didn’t heal the hurt. It just set a nice little Band-aid on the open wound.

  But Friday came around and Eric was leaving for Georgia, where he had family that he would be staying with for the rest of summer. Amber planned on joining him before college started, if she could manage to convince her mother to let her leave early. Apparently, her mom was just as smitten with Eric as Amber was, so I assumed it wouldn’t be hard. He was impossible not to love.

  The airport was air-conditioned and we stood beside the gate with Eric, who was obviously disappointed to be leaving.

  “I had a great week,” he smiled as he pulled me in for a hug. “Talk to Leroy, okay?”

  I stepped back and gave him a tight smile. I couldn’t pretend that I wanted to do that, but his heart was in the right place. I felt bad for letting him harbor such a big secret from his friend. If I hadn’t been so unstable in that hotel room, I probably would have realized that he was the last person I should confide in about something like that. He just had such a laid-back but inviting vibe about him. Someone that you could share anything with.

  I said goodbye to both him and Amber and left them to have a more intimate farewell without me hanging around. We’d come in Eric’s rental but that had to be left behind so I decided to take the bus home. Amber was getting picked up by her mother, but I didn’t want to ask for a ride. The short walk from the bus stop to home would be good anyway. I’d felt a little nauseated this morning, which surprised me. So far, I hadn’t had any signs of morning sickness.

  The bus didn’t have decent cooling. It was cramped and stuffy, but I endured it until it came time for me to get off the bus and I inhaled a deep breath of fresh air the minute I hit the sidewalk.

  My neighborhood offered a quiet walk. Some of the elderly homeowners were in their gardens, pulling weeds or watering their flowerbeds. Small children played on their trampolines, rode their bikes, or played hopscotch on the footpath. I couldn’t help but feel a pang of heartache when I watched the little ones laughing and playing with their bright, innocent smiles. Life is so much simpler as a child. Why the hell are we always in such a rush to grow up?

  My hand ran along the top of my picket fence as I whistled and approached the little latch gate that led toward the front door of my home. My gaze flickered up and I startled at a woman standing on the doorstep. She turned around and I realized that it was Eleanor.

  I just stood there while she smiled and waved with no hesitation. She glanced from side to side before she came down the steps and walked toward me. I met her halfway, not quite feeling the ground beneath my feet, not sure what to say. It had been two weeks since I’d left Colorado, but it had felt like a lifetime.

  “Hello, Ellie,” she held her purse close to her side. “You must be wondering what I’m doing here.”

  I wasn’t sure how to respond to that.

  “Can we talk inside?”

  Momma was still at work for a few hours, so I nodded and stepped around her. She followed me inside and took a seat at the kitchen table while I pushed all the windows open. “Would you like a drink?”

  “No, darling,” she tapped the table space beside her. “Come and sit down so that we can talk.”

  My heart sped up as I did what she asked and sat down at the table. My fingers twisted together on the surface. It was hard to feel calm with Leroy’s mother sitting in my dining room after what had happened two weeks ago. Part of me wanted to ask her how Leroy was. I wanted to bombard her with a million questions. But I kept quiet and waited for her to begin.

  “I won’t beat around the bush,” she said. “Eric phoned and told me . . . everything. The adoption. Your mother. All of it.”

  I began to shift with discomfort. Heat crept up my chest and neck and all I could think about was how I had asked Eric not to tell Leroy. He said he wouldn’t. But Eleanor was never discussed. He’d found a loophole and I wasn’t sure if I was pissed off or relieved. That would depend on how this conversation went.

  “Please don’t be upset with him,” she said. “He really felt like he was doing the right thing.”

  “Of course,” I murmured. “I’m not mad. I shouldn’t have put that on him in the first place.”

  “I’m glad you did, though.” She ducked her head so that she could meet my eyes. “I imagine that you’re feeling quite alone at the moment.”

  I gave her a small but confirming shrug.

  “Leroy doesn’t know, Ellie,” she said. “I thought that you should be the one to tell him that you’re giving the baby up for adoption. I’m not sure why you felt that you couldn’t tell him in the first place.”

  “Because I didn’t want to put him through that,” I said. “I know that he wanted to keep the baby. I didn’t want to put him through the pregnancy only to hand the child over in the end. That would hurt him so much and I didn’t want to put that on him.”

  “And that’s very sweet of you, darling,” Eleanor said. “But you’re talking as if he’s the only one who’s going to hurt. Won’t it hurt you as well?”

  I took a deep breath and felt the familiar tingle of my tear ducts. “Of course it will.”

  “Exactly. I know my son, Ellie. He would be more hurt that you kept this from him. He would be more hurt if he didn’t get to support you through this. He’s a good man. He does the right thing. No matter if he likes it or not.”

  I quickly swiped at a tear that slid down my cheek. She was right, of course. I wanted to protect him so much I hadn’t even considered how badly I could hurt him in the process. But no matter how I went about my next steps, someone was going to get hurt.

  “Now, let me tell you this,” she straightened up and her tone was authoritative, her expression stern but her eyes were full of kindness and comfort. “You have options, sweetheart. You do not have to give this child or your future up. You don’t. I want you to know that Jacob and I will support you if you want to keep him or her. We can provide financial support. We could help with babysitting, living costs, even your education. You wouldn’t have to struggle. But I don’t want you to feel pressure, or swayed into a decision. This choice can’t be mine, and it can’t be Leroy’s or your mother’s. It needs to be yours. But I want you to know that I am here to help if you want it. I want you to have options.”

  I felt my heart speed up as I realized what she was offering. It was something that I had imagined but never believed she would do. “Why?” was all I could murmur.

  She looked thoughtful for a moment. “I’ll admit, I was disappointed when I found out that you were pregnant. Leroy has his future set up. He has goals and plans. You both do. But he loves you. He loves you so much and I would never want to stand between him
and having a family. We’re blessed enough to have the resources so that he could have both a child and his career. A lot of people aren’t that fortunate.”

  I swallowed and took a few deep breaths while I processed the information. It was a lot to think about. I assumed that having her support would solve all of my problems. But there were still a lot of details to figure out.

  “This isn’t a decision that you need to make right at this moment.” She picked her purse up from the floor and retrieved an airline ticket. She slid it across the table as she spoke. “There is no pressure from me. But there are options. So, think about it. For you. You are welcome back with us whenever you like. And honey, you don’t need to give up your relationship with Leroy. No matter what you choose.”

  I stared at the ticket on the table and nodded, not able to get a word out. I was vaguely aware when Eleanor stood up and took her leave. It was such a whirlwind. I couldn’t believe what had just happened. But what I did know was that she meant it. She wasn’t pushing me in one direction. She was letting me know that whatever I chose, I had support. And that was more than what I’d been given by my own mother.

  I spent the rest of that afternoon thinking. Seriously thinking. I sat in the empty bathtub with a pen and paper—not to write pros and cons, but just to have something in my hands that I could focus on. Lately there had been a lot of avoiding thoughts and refusal to face the truth. Now, I was one hundred percent dedicated to facing this and making a decision. It was time to stop pretending like the situation would sort itself out.

  The house was still hot at eight o’clock that night. The windows were open, the curtains ruffled in the breeze, the aroma of spaghetti and meatballs made me feel a little ill as Momma and I sat at the table. The food wasn’t entirely to blame, though, I was wound up over the conversation that I needed to have with Mom.

  “Momma,” I said as I twisted the strands of spaghetti around my fork. She glanced up and I flinched at her expression. I don’t even think she realized she was doing it, but she didn’t look at me the same way anymore. There was a constant disappointment in her gaze, and it hurt so much.

  “What is it, Ellie?” she asked.

  “Oh,” I dropped my fork and began scratching my neck, which was feeling hot and flushed. “I just. I need to say something, and I want you to keep an open mind because, well, it’s—”

  “Spit it out.”

  “What if I wanted to keep the baby?” I blurted and felt my heart rate speed up as her stare hardened.

  “How many times do we have to go over this?” she said. “No.”

  “But what if I could support myself. Financially?”

  “It’s not just about finances, Ellie. It’s about the rest of your life. It’s about being held back from opportunities because you’ve got a child. It’s about being tied down to one man. Because this is about Leroy, correct? That’s what this is about. Being with Leroy because you’re in love and it all seems so easy right now.”

  “This decision isn’t about being with him, Momma. It’s about the fact that I’ve bonded with this child and I want to raise him or her. And yes. I love Leroy. He’s a wonderful man. What’s wrong with that?”

  “What’s wrong is that it’s unrealistic. Men like that don’t stick around. Not at that age. You’ll end up alone with no room to move left or right because you trusted some boy that offered the world to you and he made promises that he clearly never intended to keep.”

  “You’re making this about yourself!” I shouted, my blood pressure rising. “You had a bad experience. That doesn’t mean it’s going to end like that for me.”

  “You’d like to think so,” she snapped. “Your father was a wealthy man. Handsome. Sweet. All of those things and as soon as he was faced with impending fatherhood, he left. He wanted no part of it. If I was smart, I would have seen it coming and perhaps if I hadn’t been so young and stupid, I wouldn’t have made so many mistakes.”

  “Oh.” I slammed my hand on the tabletop. “I’m guessing that I’m the mistake?!”

  She didn’t answer, instead keeping her gaze downcast as she drank her water. I could feel myself becoming more wound up by the minute.

  “Well, I’m sorry that you’re stuck with me and a dead-end job and no love life, but Leroy and I aren’t you.”

  “That’s the naivety that lands you in hot water. You think that you’re untouchable.” She laughed as though I was a stupid little kid that knew nothing at all. “You’re like every other young couple who wants to believe their love is different.”

  I stood up and leaned across the table. “It is different!”

  “You’re being stupid!”

  My whole body was humming with tension and anger. I couldn’t believe that this was the woman who had raised me. She had always been a bit pessimistic and on the controlling side. But this was different. This wasn’t my momma.

  “They want to support me. No matter what I choose. They want to help me. I don’t have to struggle.”

  “If you believe that there isn’t a catch, you’re being extremely dense.” She leaned back in her seat and folded her arms. “You can’t trust people like that.”

  “You’re wrong.” I attempted to regulate my breathing. “You don’t know them. They’re good people. You’re just being selfish.”

  “I’m looking out for you!”

  “No, you’re not!” I tugged on my hair and held in a piercing scream. “You’re stopping me from having what you never could: happiness and the chance to succeed. You don’t like the fact that they have money and you don’t want me to be a part of that kind of family.”

  “Of course I don’t,” she scoffed. “Money changes people. Ruins them. I don’t want you to be like that.”

  “If it’s the money that ruins them,” I hissed, “then what the hell is your excuse?”

  She stood up, fast, and slapped me across the face so hard that my head snapped to the side. I didn’t even register what had happened until I felt the painful throb and sting. I turned back to her, clutching my cheek, tears welling. “How could you?”

  “You will have some respect for me!”

  I never would, ever again.

  “I’m going to bed,” I murmured, still clutching my cheek, which was now oozing a little bit of blood. Her ring must have split the skin. “Did you block Leroy’s phone number?”

  “Hardly seems important, but yes, I did.”

  “Jealousy is an ugly disease,” I said before I ran up the corridor and slammed my bedroom door shut.

  My decision was made. Although it hurt to think about how damaged my relationship with my mother was, I couldn’t stay or respect her after what she’d said and done tonight. I quietly sobbed as I packed up my belongings into a travel bag. I folded and stuffed things in so that I could utilize the space efficiently. I wasn’t sure when I would be back, so I grabbed a couple of picture frames, documents, course-related papers. Whatever I needed to start over, including some of my most treasured CDs and skincare—those things I couldn’t leave without.

  The entire time my eyes were clouded with pools of tears. If I had just been more careful on that first night with Leroy, none of this would have been happening. But it was, and I had to be brave because Eleanor was right. Only I could make this choice. I sat on the floor and zipped up the suitcase before I placed a hand across my stomach and felt my heart speed up.

  “I’ve got you, little one. Always.”

  When I opened my bedroom door, I took a deep breath, trembling. There were no words. There was nothing that could articulate how devastated I was. How deep the betrayal ran. I was aware that by getting pregnant I had let down my momma, but I was still her daughter and this felt wrong. This wasn’t how people should treat their children. I went down the hall and made it to the front door when I heard Momma behind me.

  “If you leave, do not come back.”r />
  My hand tightened around the door handle. There was so much that I wanted to say. The urge to stand here and convince her that Leroy loved me and would never hurt me was tempting but, in the end, it would get me nowhere. Her mind was made up: Leroy and I were naïve children, about to flush our futures down the toilet, and no one could tell her otherwise. I pulled the door open and stepped out into the warm dark night, slamming it shut behind me.

  Leroy

  “The number that you are trying to reach is unavailab—”

  “Dammit!” I slammed the phone down on its base and leaned against the countertop, inhaling a deep breath. My head hung as I stared at the floor and tried to calm down.

  It didn’t work.

  Two weeks I had been phoning Ellie’s house, always getting that same fucking message. I hadn’t heard a single word, and no matter how much deep breathing I did, I couldn’t clear the red dots that danced in front of me.

  I straightened up and gripped the phone, throwing it with so much force that it flew across the room, hitting the wall.

  “Dramatic,” Noah mocked from the table with a mouthful of food. The thought of smacking him in the face was enticing. But I settled for sending him a harsh scowl instead. It wasn’t his fault that Ellie had disappeared from the face of the earth.

  It better not have been anyway. “Have you spoken to her?”

  He glanced up, his eyes darting from left to right with confusion. “No? Why the hell would she talk to me?”

  “I don’t know,” I dropped into the seat at the head of the table. “What about Cass?”

  Noah shook his head as he bit into his sandwich. “Nah.” He gave me a disgusting view of his chewed food as he spoke. “She hasn’t heard from her either.”

  My head fell into my hands, elbows resting on the table as I groaned with frustration. The lack of contact was driving me insane.