The Summer of '98 Page 29
Her crying got heavier. “And then I did the same thing that he did. I walked away when you needed me the most and I am so sorry, Ellie,” she buried her face in her hands. “It felt like I was watching history repeat itself. Young love, a wealthy man, a pregnancy. I’d done it all and I was so terrified that it was going to end the same way. I didn’t want that for you. I didn’t want you to go through that heartbreak and end up struggling for the rest of your life.”
The fact that I had no idea what to say was starting to frustrate me. Whenever I came close to a response, she continued speaking.
“I know I haven’t always been the most affectionate woman. I had a lot of rules and I had a short temper, but I do love you, Ellie, and I only wanted the best for you. I can see now, you were right. You’re doing very well for yourself and that boy loves you.”
“He does,” I finally said, my throat feeling thick. “I don’t think you were wrong to be worried, Momma. It’s normal to be worried about the unknown, especially when it comes to something so major. All I wanted was for you to have a little bit of faith in my judgment.”
“I should have,” she agreed. “You’ve always been a smart and sensible girl. I should have trusted your choices and I handled it all wrong. Ellie, I really am so sorry for how I behaved.”
“I forgive you, Momma.”
Her lip quivered again, her face crumpling as she stood up and opened her arms. Being pulled into her hug felt like a new beginning, a chance to start over. In all of my life, I’d never felt as comforted by a hug from her as I did in that moment. All of her anguish and regret was obvious in the way she held me—she truly was apologetic.
“Your children are beautiful,” she mumbled into my hair. “Just beautiful.”
I leaned back and swiped at a tear that slid down my cheek. “They are pretty great.”
Leroy came back out with the twins and Momma sat down with the tri pillow so that we could rest them on it, and she could enjoy a cuddle. It was an odd sight to see—I wasn’t sure if I would ever witness Momma looking longingly at her grandchildren, but the smile that she wore made my heart swell.
“Would you like to stay for dinner, Sandra?” Leroy asked.
“Oh,” Momma looked at me for permission and I nodded. “That would be lovely.”
Leroy tilted his head for me to follow him and when we were out of sight in the kitchen, he leaned against the countertop and pulled me between his spread legs. “You okay?” he whispered.
“Yeah,” I whispered back; Momma was just in the next room, after all. “That was nice of you to ask her for dinner.”
“I realized about zero-point-two seconds after I said that, I should have asked you first.”
“It’s fine,” I assured him, caressing his stubbled jaw. “I’m happy she’s here. I mean, I haven’t felt like I’m incomplete or anything without her, but it’s still really nice that she wants to try.”
He leaned in and kissed my forehead, his lips lingering for a few sweet seconds. “I’m happy for you, baby.”
“Oh, what was the riddle that your professor gave you guys. Is it in English class?”
“Yeah,” his brows pulled with thought. “I may only be given, but never bought, sinners seek me, but saints do not.”
“Wow,” I winced. “Blank.”
“Me too,” he laughed. “I’ll have to have a think about it.”
We kissed and then I went back out into the living area where Momma was still staring at the twins with contentment.
“Have you seen my . . . father again since he came into the store?” I asked, sitting down beside her.
“No,” she said. “He left his phone number, but I haven’t contacted him. It’s totally up to you what you do with that information, Ellie. I won’t try to control things like I’ve been guilty of in the past.”
I smiled at her and tucked my legs up under my bum. “I appreciate that. I’m not sure I’ll do anything, though. He’s a complete stranger, you know? Too little, too late.”
She didn’t say anything.
“I don’t know. I’ll need some time to think about it.”
“Of course.”
“It’s my birthday next weekend.”
Momma looked at me with an amused grin that felt so foreign on her features. “I know that.”
“Leroy’s family are flying in for a small birthday party. It won’t be much. Dinner, cake. That sort of thing. Do you want to come?”
“I’d like that very much, Ellie.”
We sat around our small dining room table that night, the twins swaddled in their bouncers. Leroy never let the conversation dwindle. He talked to Momma, asked her questions about the store, exchanged life stories and talk of the future. My heart felt full and suddenly Leroy’s riddle came back to me. I may only be given, but never bought, sinners seek me, but saints do not.
Forgiveness. The answer was forgiveness.
EPILOGUE
Leroy
Six months later
Ellie and I brought the twins home for the summer. It was their first time in Colorado and Mom and Dad were thriving, ecstatic at the attention they were able to bestow upon Drayton and Abby. Mom decorated the spare bedroom, turning it into a nursery with the cribs that Noah and I used as babies.
Out in the back garden, there was a large picnic blanket spread out on the grass. The twins were wriggling around, picking up toys that were scattered and gurgling with excitement. Both of them had wispy blond hair and eyes that were becoming greener the older they got. Green like their mother’s. I didn’t think that I could love anyone more than I loved Ellie, but these two had unlocked a part of my heart that I didn’t even know existed and I had never felt fuller.
“Ooh, isn’t he quick?” Mom said, watching Drayton commando crawl off the blanket, using just his arms and a wormlike shuffle. Ellie had dressed him in a sleeveless one-piece that morning—the weather was sweltering and he and Abby both had bucket hats tied to their heads. Abby was currently sprawled out on her back, tugging hers with frustration.
“Careful, Mom,” I said, pointing at Drayton. “That one is unpredictable.”
I was about to go get Drayton when Abby started sulking, frustrated that her hat wouldn’t come off. I pulled her into my lap.
“She’s such a daddy’s girl,” Ellie said, standing up. “I’ll grab Drayton.”
Mom watched Abby cuddling into me, yawning. We did have a special little bond happening, her and me. When she was unsettled, she wanted me to rock her to sleep, and when she was excited, her gaze fixed on me while she babbled and cooed. Of course, she loved Ellie too. Ellie was her mom who breastfed her and that connection with a mother was unique. But I felt sort of special knowing that my little girl often came to me when she needed some cuddles and comfort. Ellie came and sat back down, putting Drayton between her outstretched legs.
“These two will need their afternoon nap soon,” she said, shoving a bunch of toys in front of Drayton in an attempt to distract him from zooming off again. He was so adventurous and could move very well for someone who wasn’t yet crawling properly. It was a challenge, but I loved that about our son. I loved that he was so curious.
Dad rolled the little plastic football toy to Drayton, who picked it up and started gumming it. Everything went straight into his mouth these days.
“How many quarterbacks can we get in a row before the future generations break the cycle? Hmm?”
“Might even go to Baylor too,” I added, lightly jostling from side to side so that Abby could drift off. Her lids were hooded, and she was relaxed in my arms. “Could be a cool tradition.”
“Ah, imagine that,” Dad said, smiling. “A long line of Baylor graduates. That’d be a delight. Don’t suppose we’ll be around to see it, though.”
My chest tightened. Mom and Dad joked about their age a lot, but I hated hearing any
thing to do with the fact that they wouldn’t be here one day. I knew that they wouldn’t be here forever but that didn’t mean that I wanted to dwell on it.
“You’ll be fine,” I said, meeting Ellie’s eyes, who mirrored my expression. She loved them, too, and couldn’t imagine our lives without them.
“We’ll be in our eighties,” Mom gasped, clutching her chest. “That’s a frightening thought. But who knows, perhaps we’ll still be kicking it.”
“No doubt,” I said just as Noah and Cass came through the back gate hand in hand.
“Who’s up for mini golf?!” Cass hollered. She had shades on, but I could tell the moment that she saw Abby asleep in my arms because her mouth fell open and she came to a standstill. “That is the cutest shit I have ever seen.”
“Mini golf sounds like a wonderful idea,” Mom said. “Leave the twins here and go and have some time out.”
“Are you sure?” Ellie asked. “That does sound fun.”
“Of course,” Dad said. “Go and have a break. We’ll manage with these two.”
“I’ll put them down for their nap first.” Ellie smiled at Cass who had plonked herself down beside Drayton so that she could coo at him. Noah sat and stretched his legs on the grass. “Is it just us four for mini golf?”
“Eric and Amber too,” Cass said, tickling Drayton. Amber and Eric had returned to their homes for the summer as well. From what I knew, they were splitting time together between his parents and hers.
Ellie stood up and hauled our son onto her hip. He was a chonk, lots of rolls and chub, but Els never complained about having to haul him around. As it was, I tried to take that task off her hands as often as possible, especially if we were out at the store or park and we had to put them in the double sling. After Drayton had tried to climb out of the pram while we were on a scenic stroll, we’d decided to retire it and attempt a more secure method.
Mom offered to help Ellie with the twins, and I carefully transferred a dozing Abby into Mom’s arms. She, Cass, and Ellie disappeared inside, leaving me with Noah and Dad out under the hot summer sun. Not a cloud in sight.
“I put the payment through for the campus housing,” Dad said to Noah.
“Thanks, Dad,” he said.
“Not a problem. I’m very proud of how hard you’ve worked to get into this program at college. You applied yourself and it paid off. You’ve done well, son.”
Noah swallowed and I could tell that he wasn’t expecting the praise. It wasn’t the first time Dad had told Noah that he was proud of him, but Noah rarely chose to hear it, instead focusing on the things that he wasn’t being told.
“Thanks,” Noah said, a small nod aimed at Dad.
“Both my boys at Baylor,” Dad grinned. “Wonderful, isn’t it? And you’ll be close together again. That’ll be nice.”
Noah and I shared a brief glance. We’d been getting along better since I’d moved to Waco, but it was hard to know what our relationship would be like when we were living close together again. Ellie told me to be more positive, as she often did. She assured me that we’d be fine considering we weren’t under the same roof and we could still hang out as little or often as we liked. Something told me that college would be what Noah needed. He’d find his people. He’d find groups and clubs, and it might be exactly what he needed.
“Right,” Dad said. “I’m going to go and make a cup of tea. Want one?”
Noah and I both declined and watched our old father move across the lawn much faster than a man his age should be capable. It made me hopeful that he’d be around for a lot longer than he seemed to think.
“Your kids are cool,” Noah said, lying in the grass with an arm across his face. He’d been giving the twins attention here and there since we’d arrived in Castle Rock, but he wasn’t affectionate in any sense of the word. “The little dude is funny. Seems like he’s going to be hard work.”
“For sure,” I laughed. “You gonna babysit for me when you get to Waco? Watch the kids so that Ellie and I can go out once a week.”
“You wish,” Noah scoffed but there was a small smile on his mouth. “You’d trust me to watch the kids?”
I plucked at the grass and laughed. “Probably not. Ellie won’t even let me hire from the babysitter directory.”
“Fair enough. Too many weirdos.”
“Yeah,” I said and looked at the upstairs window to see my girl walking back and forth with Drayton over her shoulder. He was stubborn—he didn’t like to be told when to sleep. “Has Cass decided what to do this semester?”
Noah let out a sound of exasperation. “She wants to come to Waco, but she can’t live with me on campus and she’s not going to college. I don’t know. She’s stressing out all the time. She said she wanted to find a job there and talk to you and Els about boarding with you for a while.”
That was definitely not happening. Our apartment was tiny, we didn’t have a spare bedroom, and Cass was a bit of a whirlwind. Of course, if it was an urgent matter, we’d take her in without question. But her wanting to live in Waco because she doesn’t trust Noah at college didn’t seem urgent to me. Sure, Els could always use the extra hands when I was at classes, but that was what her mom had been popping around a few times a week for. She’d watch the twins while Ellie had a nap or showered or cleaned. She was a great help. Cass would be more like a third child to look after.
“Have you done a lot to convince her that she’s got nothing to stress over?”
Noah shrugged a shoulder. “I guess.”
In other words, no.
“How are things going between you guys at the moment?”
“Fine.”
“Dude,” I said, nudging him with my foot. “Maybe now is the time to think about . . . calling it quits? If you’re not truly invested in the relationship, go to college with a clean break. It’ll get messy otherwise.”
He was quiet for so long that I thought he’d fallen asleep. Eventually, he grumbled and sat up, rubbing his face with his hands.
“I don’t—I’m not really sure that I love the same way that you do,” he said quietly. “She’s my best friend and I trust her, I care about her, but . . . I still think about other girls. I see someone and I’m thinking about how to approach them and then I remember that . . . I remember that Cass would be hurt and so I don’t. I don’t do anything, but the fact that I think about it . . . that shouldn’t happen, right?”
“Attraction is normal. It does happen. Acting on the attraction is . . . not okay. But you don’t act on it. So, that’s good.”
“You been attracted to other women since Ellie?”
“Sure, I can appreciate when a woman is beautiful.”
“But do you think about going over to them and asking them for a phone number and taking them out and . . . do you think about having sex with them? Do you think about all of that when you see a beautiful woman? Is it hard to be faithful?”
He was waiting for my answer, hope in his desperate stare. He so badly wanted me to tell him that I knew exactly what he was going through. Sure, appreciating someone’s beauty was a natural thing, but the fact that he struggled so hard to be faithful, and the only reason he chose to be was because he knew it was the right thing to do, told me that he didn’t love Cass in the way that he should. It shouldn’t be hard to remain faithful when it’s real.
“No, it’s not hard for me to be faithful, Noah,” I said, honestly. “It’s the easiest thing in the world. For starters, appreciating that a woman is beautiful doesn’t immediately transpire into animalistic attraction for me. It just doesn’t. Ellie is the only woman I feel like that about. Second, no part of me would ever want to be the reason that she hurts. I don’t ever want to lose her, and I won’t ever put myself in a position that would cost us our relationship. It’s easy to avoid. I honestly don’t get how people have such a hard time just not . . . cheating.”
“Maybe she’s just not the right woman for you.”
“But you like Cass.”
“I love Cass,” I told him. “That’s not my point. She’s not wrong as a person. She just might not be right for you.”
He slowly shook his head, watching the road. “If she’s not the right woman, I don’t know who could be. I love her more than any other girl I’ve ever been with.”
“You can fall in love with her,” I told him and gave him a nudge in the arm. “Proper in love. You know? It takes time and effort and all of that. But you can get there if that’s what you want.”
“I have to get there. I care about her too much to lose her.”
“Well, then you’re already heading in the right direction,” I said, proud of the fact that at least he was trying. He knew what was right and he wanted to do it. Some people knew what was right and still followed wrong. For now, I’d support him however I could.
Ellie, Cass, Noah, and I arrived at the mini-golf course and saw Amber and Eric waiting on the brick wall that circled the parking lot. As soon as we’d hopped out of the car, I went over to Eric and we grinned at each other before we hugged. It’d been a while since we’d caught up.
“How’s it, bro?” He slapped me on the back. “Or should I say Dad?! Man, what a trip. How are the little ones?”
I stepped back and saw Amber, Ellie, and Cass giggling and greeting each other with excitement. Noah sidled up beside me, hands in his pockets. “The kids are good,” I said. “Keeping us busy.”
“Yeah, I bet. How do you manage that and college? All I have is a girlfriend and I’m like, shit, this is rough. Studies and exams and papers and football. How do you do it?”
“Ellie,” I said as an explanation. “For real. She does the meals, she does the housework, she takes care of the kids. She’s a straight-up legend. During the week, I go to classes, come home and study until seven, and then we have dinner, and then I do bath time, bedtime, and help her clean up the house. It’s not a bad routine at the moment.”